femme fatale /narcissistic drama queen/

Writing for me used to be really cathartic. I always had so much to say. Now not so much. And writing about The Boy experiences was always such a rush for me but that’s because it was such a game. A good game. I used to let myself get caught up in the afterglow of the awesomely deviant sexualness of it all. Now- not so much. I don’t know why either. I miss it. I try to get back to that space but I guess you can never go back. Only move forward and try to capture what is in the here and now. Or maybe I’m just protecting myself.

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New job is fine. There are a lot of pros to it, the only con I have is that it’s not as challenging as I thought. I’m hoping that will come later since I’m still fairly new. It doesn’t mean that I’m not satisfied. I am. I just feel like there is more out there to be conquered. I’m not really happy unless I’m conquering something. I’m kind of keeping a low profile which means I’m not really being entirely true to myself but we all know how offensive, intense and obnoxious my basic personality is. And I really need to be able to support myself, which means keeping a job, so if that means holding back a little, then so be it.
I guess these days I’m just trying to find myself again. I want the words that used to come pouring out of me to come back. I want that flow again and I can’t search for it, it just has to come back to me.

I need something to jump start me. I’m just not sure what that is right now.

But I’m alive and well and not struggling so much.
Hopefully soon I’ll be on my comeback tour.
Stay tuned.
EDITED to add: Just checked the Horoscope. Too funny.

Daily Planetary Overview
A New Moon in Gemini today will help you enhance your communication skills and make new contacts. Over the next two weeks, you’ll begin to develop clearer writing and more articulate speaking. Keep an open mind at all times.

Your Horoscope – Today, May 24, 2009
Be yourself today – 100% you, ticia. The world needs more individuality. Revel in your unique qualities and be generous with sharing them with the world. Feel free to adopt a new and unconventional way of doing things – anything. Beware, however, that there may be a strong, grounding force that is trying to tie you down to traditional ways of doing things. Don’t feel pressured to give in to the social norm.

There was no wild sex. No serious partying. No tangible gifts. Yet, this was the BEST birthday. Everyone remembered it this year, including The Boy. Even if he did have a reminder in his calendar. A reminder I may have sent to him last year. I dunno. I can’t remember. But hey- details.

My nieces called and sang to me. That was so sweet and really makes me feel like I’m a part of their lives. You know, I’m the cool aunt. *flips hair* Then at work, they paid for my lunch and well I brought my own cake. It’s my birthday and I’ll bring chocolate cake if I want to!

The best is that The Boy wished me happy birthday. Unfortunately he’s out of the country, so no birthday cock for me on the DAY of my birthday. Just wait till he comes home this weekend. His cock will never know what hit it. And if all goes well, perhaps I’ll share.

That is all.

Sometimes I need to keep a low profile. Disappear for awhile, collect my thoughts. Get my focus on.

In November, I realized what a horrible mistake I had made when the two job choices were displayed before me this summer. Not to mention that I had accepted the first one and then declined it when the second one came through. And seriously, in retrospect, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was thinking money I guess instead of opportunity and the path to lead me to more money.

Anyways, instead of crying about it and whining about it, like my normal M.O., I dug my heels in and started looking for another job. Updated teh resume, posted it on the job boards, blah, blah blah. What sucked even more was the dire straits fo the economy. Which was scary, but technology jobs don’t seem to have been hit as hard as others.

So as I slacked off even more at the job I was in because I couldn’t stand it and in my mind I was already gone, an amazing opportunity presented itself to me. I’m here to say, I HAVE NEW JOB!!! That I’m so excited about. It’s in my hood people. That means I only have to drive 15 minutes to get to work. No more standing at the bus stop freezing my ass off. No more driving an hour to get to work. No more traffic headache. I’m close to home, so if I need anything I’m sure I can always zip home on my lunch break.

My new job is much like the job I was let go from (downsizing and whatnot) only I’ll get to play with Linux again, haven’t done that since school, kinda geeked about it. And I’ll also be doing some light programming. I need to refresh myself in that aspect but it’s kind of exciting. Oh and the new palce offered me more money too. I was just looking for the same. Can’t beat that.

Once again, I am starting over but that seems to be the theme of my life. But each time I start over, I look back and realize just how far I’ve come. Realize how each ending relationship/situation was just a stepping stone to where I am now. It’s pretty awesome when I think about it.

Anyways, I start Monday, didn’t want to say anything until I receive dmy employee materials in the mail, lest it was just an illusion or something because I totally lucked out with this one.

I’ll get my career back on track and then I can work on my deviant sex life again.

Good times.

It’s so sad when the only thing that ties a town together is its sports team and the weather.

People get appalled when they find out I’m not a “fan”. I’m just not a fan of football. I don’t get it. The choices: Having a big sausage party and watching a bunch of guys get all violent OR sucking fucking and getting violent between the sheets.

I’ll always go with the second choice.

Yeah, that big ass parade will be right in front of my building tomorrow. I guess that is one plus to my current employment situation.

Anyways, I’ve had no urge to put any thoughts I’ve had to screen and I really miss it. Blogging was a way to purge myself. Or capture emotions and feelings that I wanted to remember. Right now, all I want is OUT.

And I can’t get out fast enough.

Every day I have to get up and go in to the office is sheer and utter torture.

I’m hoping that soon my self-reflective, skewed view, melodramtic and narcissistic ways will find their way home to me.

And not in the way I like to.

I was going to write a retrospective on 2008 but then I thought, “What the hell for?” It sucked and 2009 is not proving to be much better yet. I have slight glimmer of hope that it will improve but right now I’m living on the edge and no, not the way I like to either.

I’m being very, very frugal and cautious with my finances because you never now. I’m being pro-active as far as trying to find another place of employ, although the times are tough and am hoping that if the current place of employ goes belly up sucking cock to pay rent is still in effect.

So glad I saw the signs early this time and decided to act on it instead of bury my head in the sand like I usually do. Needless to say I am totally beating myself up because I chose wrong. When will I ever learn to listen to that little voice in my head and take it seriously?

I’m not really in a good place right now, but I’m doing all I can to get to that good place. Everything happens for a reason and I can only learn from my mistakes and try not to repeat them.

Much love goes to Chelle. I received the package and your gift validates buying myself that portable DVD player as a Christmas present to myself.

Can’t wait to get my Monk on.