femme fatale /narcissistic drama queen/

Sometimes you have to let things go. Even if you don’t want to.

You have to look at and ask youself, “How important is this to me?” “How much work do I really want to invest in it in order to salvage it?” “How did it serve me?” “Will it serve me well in the future or just be hanging around as some kind of reminder?” and the last question “Is it reallly worth keeping?”

I’m referring to my favorite suede jacket that I’ve had since my senior year in high school. It still fits although I haven’t worn it since high school because it’s not really who I am anymore. But I like it.

Today as I was cleaning out my closets in preparation for my move I came across the jacket and it’s all moldy. I am so bummed. That jacket was a gift from a guy who was really into me and he was really hot. He was my rock star. But back then all I cared about was partying and although he was the guy all the other girls wanted and I had him I didn’t feel the passion I needed to feel in order to be with him. So I let him go. But I kept the jacket. It was kind of a reminder that I was the girl that got away and besides it’s pretty bad ass.

There’s a lot attached to that jacket. I think the mold growing on it is the Universe’s way of saying, “It’s time to let go and move on.”

It’s just another aspect of myself tossed aside.

I’m sad but it’s just a jacket and I can buy myself another one.I’m not investing the time, effort and energy it will take in order to clean it when more than likely in the end it will remain in my closet. It’s just not that important to me anymore.

Sometime you have to let things go.

Even if they once held meaning for you.

I want someone to be excited about again.

Life is draining right now. Dad’s in nursing home. It’s so physically and emotionally draining.

My life is not my own. I was just getting it back when this vicious cycle started.

I hate it.

I want a diversion. I need a diversion.

I just want to get lost in someone.

I want someone to be excited about again.

That’s what she said. It’s what she said to me on her deathbed when she was still coherent. I’ll never forget the day. She was lying in her bed, her eyes were closed, I was sitting on her bed. I was holding her hand or stroking her head. She just got done eating some rita’s ice because that was all she could eat.
She opened her eyes for a second and looked at me, closed her eyes and then said, “Don’t waste your life.”

She- would be my Mother. And what she meant by that was don’t waste your life waiting for a man or waiting for a man to love you.

Don’t waste your life.

Those four words haunt me.

There are many reasons why I don’t write anymore.

The saddest reason is that I have no inspiration.

My perspective of the world is always viewed as being dramatic. Being a creative person, I am dramatic. Not overly so, but some. It’s the only way I can write.

Like my earlier writings, they’re real experiences brought to life with the written word. From my dramatic perspective. I miss that.

My other reasons aren’t important.

For those who understand no explanation is needed, …..For those who don’t none will ever do.

I understand now. There’s always that moment of clarity when I’m like, “Wow. I get it.” And I think I get it now.

When I first started my journey into unknown territory after the divorce, I was completely fearless. That is my basic nature. Then I turned 40 a year ago and suddenly I was afraid of everything. Not really everything. But the fear crept back in. I had forgotten how to live in the moment. I had forgotten that you can never go back. I had forgotten that the only reason the past exists is to learn from it. I had forgoten how sometimes I stand in my own way.

Starting my life over at mid-age when most people have their lives established was scary. I’ve come a long way since the beginning of this journey. And I think with my most recent girl-like outburst I’m finally letting go of the past and how I think things should be and more accepting of how things are instead.

I forget what a free spirit I really am and get sucked into thinking I have to be a certain way. It’s the “married me”. I fucking hate her and I think after last night, I’ve finally let her go.

I’m ready to experience life again the way it should be experienced. Head on.

It is what it is.