femme fatale /narcissistic drama queen/

When Iming with me there are certain guidelines one should follow.

1. DO NOT call me , especially if you don’t really know me,babe, love, sweetie, sugar, hun or any other stupid girlie pet name you can think of. I will verbally bitch slap you and if I were talking to you in real life, I’d smack the shit out of you. Sexy is perfectly fine though because I am and it’s true.

2. DO NOT tell me I’m “definitely attractive” and in the same convo attempt (note, I said attempt) to insult me by telling me you do not date anyone older than yourself. And then in same said convo beg me to cuddle with you because you need affection after A. I told you cuddling nauseates me and B. You just fucking tried insulting me and C. Begging is unbecoming ( and if you beg me I will view you as a pathetic loser who is desperate. There’s nothing ever attractive about that. Not like you should care how I view you. But that’s what I’ll think).

3. DO NOT tell me I’m “attractive” and then proceed to ask me why I am single when it clearly states in both my profiles that I AM DIVORCED. Then in same convo attempt to chastise me because I don’t have a boyfriend or children because that’s what society expects from me.

That is what is so messed up about me. My face does not match my mind. All these losers think I’m a girlie girl because I look like one. Therefore thinking I’m easy prey. Which I’m not and then when they realize how much of a bitch I am because I won’t cater to their “oh so fragile male ego” they get jacked off. Whatever.

Usually this is very entertaining to me, but when I’m PMSing and I need laid to boot, I have no tolerance for stupid shit and I’m usually meaner than normal.

Sometimes I think I should be nice, but you know, I’m not sure I remember how. That and the fact that I have absolutely no compassion anymore. I had it when my mom died, but I lost it again after the X so totally abused it.

And sometimes I want to change who I am but I really don’t think it’s all that great or will be on the other side.

Analboss phoned me today to let me know that the Notice of Hearing wasn’t directed towards me personally. He was out of the office on Thursday and Friday and opened his mail today or he would have called me sooner.

I was like, “Thanks a lot. I received it on Friday, Christmas Eve.” And it fucking ruined my Christmas, douchebag.

He’s fighting the system about not having to pay out of his business account, he wants it to come out of his state account or some shit like that. Whatever. I just don’t understand why people have to drag me into their dramas. I’m really glad though that I didn’t get all crazy in my letter and was pretty diplomatic. It’s also good to know that I didn’t reveal my hand, because those skeletons in his closet still might come in handy. I trust no one.

Of course since I’m a pessimistic optimist, I’m always thinking the worst of a situation and obsessing about it incessantly. I wish I could let things go sometimes and not let them bother me so much. I guess that’s what they mean when they say live in the moment. I usually try to. Just now, with the way things are going in my life, it’s hard not to feel/act like a paranoid schizophrenic.

Then I had two really disturbing dreams this weekend. One aobut the ex and one about the crush. They were disturbing because I believe they were telling me the truth and it’s not what I want to hear.

Damn subconcious.

There seems to be minor cracking in my fragile mentality.

Remember this guy? Well, today I sort of semi-freaked on him. I can’t take it and I told him that. It’s not that I don’t like him, but all the questions he asks are fucking annoying. Especially questions about stuff he should at least have some working knowledge of.

I’m referring to the guy that doesn’t even know how to work a computer, in the same class as me, for those who don’t want to click on the link.

What drove me over is that he keeps wanting me to explain subnetting to him and I’m like, “Dude, it took me 6 quarters to finally understand how to do that. I can’t expalin it to you in a matter of weeks. ” And the reason why I can’t explain it to him is because he’s not the type to put forth the extra effort to even try and actually understand the workings of it. It’s not like I can just show him to do it and he’ll get it. He has to understand how it all connects to everything else we’re doing and he just doesn’t.

He had questions about his IP scope today and how you do that. He has no clue what DHCP is , so how can I explain something to someone who should at least understand what it does and basically how it works? I mean he has no clue.

Instead of screaming at him, like I probably should have done, I got frustrated trying to explain it and just said, “Gimme your fucking paper. This is how you do it. Do it exactly like this for your second scope.”

This is the exchange that followed and I tried to be tacful, but I don’t think I was.

Him:”Thanks for helping me. ”

Me: ” I didn’t help you. I did it for you. And I can’t do my project and yours. I worked really hard for this and I have no time to work on my stuff. ”

Him: -laughs- “Its’ not my fault I had sucky teachers.”

Me: “I had the same sucky teachers but I had the desire to learn.”

And I sort of “spit” my replies. But you know, there’s people like that out there that are total slackers and expect other people to carry them. It happens everywhere and I just don’t want to do it anymore. In this situation, I’m explaining stuff that should have been learned quarters ago.

I don’t mind helping people, I really don’t, but I’m of the mind, help yourself a little too. I probalby made him feel like a loser, but that wasn’t my intent. I was just speaking the truth.

And so I don’t sound like a hypocrite, I recently asked someone to help me, and they actually ended up fixing my problem for me. I am extremely appreciative, because it was a stupid mistake, one I was looking for myself and could not see it. The difference is that I asked this wonderful human being (and you know who you are) to help me out of a minor jam. Which, if they weren’t able to, or told me to fuck off, my problem would have stayed the way it was until I was able to figure it out on my own.

Today’s entry brought to you by the letters IR-RI-TATED.