femme fatale /narcissistic drama queen/

That’s what she said. It’s what she said to me on her deathbed when she was still coherent. I’ll never forget the day. She was lying in her bed, her eyes were closed, I was sitting on her bed. I was holding her hand or stroking her head. She just got done eating some rita’s ice because that was all she could eat.
She opened her eyes for a second and looked at me, closed her eyes and then said, “Don’t waste your life.”

She- would be my Mother. And what she meant by that was don’t waste your life waiting for a man or waiting for a man to love you.

Don’t waste your life.

Those four words haunt me.

I understand now. There’s always that moment of clarity when I’m like, “Wow. I get it.” And I think I get it now.

When I first started my journey into unknown territory after the divorce, I was completely fearless. That is my basic nature. Then I turned 40 a year ago and suddenly I was afraid of everything. Not really everything. But the fear crept back in. I had forgotten how to live in the moment. I had forgotten that you can never go back. I had forgotten that the only reason the past exists is to learn from it. I had forgoten how sometimes I stand in my own way.

Starting my life over at mid-age when most people have their lives established was scary. I’ve come a long way since the beginning of this journey. And I think with my most recent girl-like outburst I’m finally letting go of the past and how I think things should be and more accepting of how things are instead.

I forget what a free spirit I really am and get sucked into thinking I have to be a certain way. It’s the “married me”. I fucking hate her and I think after last night, I’ve finally let her go.

I’m ready to experience life again the way it should be experienced. Head on.

It is what it is.

It’s always the same pattern that I repeat over and over again. I can’t get out of it. I don’t know how. I see it. I see myself doing it and I can’t stop myself.

When I feel slighted in any way by someone who I hold a lot of respect and admiration for, I turn into the biggest cunt ever. And the issue that appears that I’m pissed off about isn’t really the issue at all. It never is.
Then I bite. It’s a wicked bite and most people can’t handle it so in the end I usually destory whatever I had. Because, you know, it makes me look like the biggest cunt. Ever.

Kind of like my marriage. Or at least my part in the destruction of it. The X had a lot to do with that too. I’m not taking all the blame for it but I am taking responsibility for my part. I guess in the end of that, I ust wanted out because the X wasn’t man enough to transcend who he was.

This time it’s my fault. Mostly. I want to transcend all those things I don’t like about myself. I’m just not sure how to do it. I know I need to do it or else I’ll never move forward and I’ll always be stuck repeating the same patterns over and over again until I get it right. I want to get right. Now.

And I want to write again. I miss it terribly. It’s such a big part of who I am. I think when I stop writing that is when I become The Cunt.

I want me back.

It’s such a profound statement and a little how I’m feeling these days.

That tiny little statement makes so much sense to me. Giving props, it’s from the song Snuff by Slipknot.

I’d Twitter this but since I don’t have a twitter, blogging my two sentence thought will have just have to suffice.

Oh. Yeah. Happy New Year! Perhaps 2010 will mark my comeback tour.

Life has been weird. Really weird.

I’m afraid I’m turning into the “married me” and I’m not even married or have a boyfriend.

My writing has a lot to do with that tho. When I was married, I quit writing. I quit journaling and then I turned into someone I no longer recognized. I wasn’t really happy with that person. I thought I was but after the divorce I realized that I came full circle and that I became who I was before I got married only a lot stronger.

Things were good for awhile and then life got strange. Losing my previous job, the one I gave three years of my llife to and then got let go from really fucked with my head. Dented my confidence. Then I chose the wrong job after that and although now I think I’m in the right job making good money with great benefits, I’ll never truly feel comfortable or secure. Especially in this uncertain economy.

I mean I’m resilient and I do bounce back from the fucked up shit that happens to me but sometimes I just get sucked into it and become mega introverted. That’s where I don’t really think and let myself disconnect from everything. Doing that is so bad for me.

I’ve controlled my intensity factor once again because I’ve come to realize that the world is so not ready for me. In doing that I lose my passion. It’s been gone for awhile now, my passion and I miss it because it’s such a big part of who I am.

As far as guys go, I really have no desire for any of them. Or the cock. That really worries me but all guys are losers and they don’t deserve what I have to offer. If I could perhaps find some really cool guys it’d be different but they’re all lame.

I don’t want to get married again and I don’t really want a boyfriend. What I want and I’ve said this before is a little more than just sex (sometimes. I can only take the coldness for so long.) and definitley less than a boyfriend.
You’d think that would be easy to find, but it’s not. I don’t even look for it anymore. I’m convinced it doesn’t exist because no guy could ever be as cool as I am. Or at least the guys that live around here.

I lost a part of myself somewhere and I’m so desperately trying to find her again. I don’t even know where to look. All I know is that I don’t ever want to be who I was when I was married. Ever again.

Life is all about cycles. I suppose I’m in one of those cycles. I”m in a cycle where I’m just living life but not really experiencing life. That is when what I write is at it’s best. When I capture my experience and bring it to life with the written word. Otherewise what I write is just a bunch of words.

Maybe this is a first step.