femme fatale /narcissistic drama queen/

I want someone to be excited about again.

Life is draining right now. Dad’s in nursing home. It’s so physically and emotionally draining.

My life is not my own. I was just getting it back when this vicious cycle started.

I hate it.

I want a diversion. I need a diversion.

I just want to get lost in someone.

I want someone to be excited about again.

I understand now. There’s always that moment of clarity when I’m like, “Wow. I get it.” And I think I get it now.

When I first started my journey into unknown territory after the divorce, I was completely fearless. That is my basic nature. Then I turned 40 a year ago and suddenly I was afraid of everything. Not really everything. But the fear crept back in. I had forgotten how to live in the moment. I had forgotten that you can never go back. I had forgotten that the only reason the past exists is to learn from it. I had forgoten how sometimes I stand in my own way.

Starting my life over at mid-age when most people have their lives established was scary. I’ve come a long way since the beginning of this journey. And I think with my most recent girl-like outburst I’m finally letting go of the past and how I think things should be and more accepting of how things are instead.

I forget what a free spirit I really am and get sucked into thinking I have to be a certain way. It’s the “married me”. I fucking hate her and I think after last night, I’ve finally let her go.

I’m ready to experience life again the way it should be experienced. Head on.

It is what it is.

It’s always the same pattern that I repeat over and over again. I can’t get out of it. I don’t know how. I see it. I see myself doing it and I can’t stop myself.

When I feel slighted in any way by someone who I hold a lot of respect and admiration for, I turn into the biggest cunt ever. And the issue that appears that I’m pissed off about isn’t really the issue at all. It never is.
Then I bite. It’s a wicked bite and most people can’t handle it so in the end I usually destory whatever I had. Because, you know, it makes me look like the biggest cunt. Ever.

Kind of like my marriage. Or at least my part in the destruction of it. The X had a lot to do with that too. I’m not taking all the blame for it but I am taking responsibility for my part. I guess in the end of that, I ust wanted out because the X wasn’t man enough to transcend who he was.

This time it’s my fault. Mostly. I want to transcend all those things I don’t like about myself. I’m just not sure how to do it. I know I need to do it or else I’ll never move forward and I’ll always be stuck repeating the same patterns over and over again until I get it right. I want to get right. Now.

And I want to write again. I miss it terribly. It’s such a big part of who I am. I think when I stop writing that is when I become The Cunt.

I want me back.

It’s such a profound statement and a little how I’m feeling these days.

That tiny little statement makes so much sense to me. Giving props, it’s from the song Snuff by Slipknot.

I’d Twitter this but since I don’t have a twitter, blogging my two sentence thought will have just have to suffice.

Oh. Yeah. Happy New Year! Perhaps 2010 will mark my comeback tour.

Writing for me used to be really cathartic. I always had so much to say. Now not so much. And writing about The Boy experiences was always such a rush for me but that’s because it was such a game. A good game. I used to let myself get caught up in the afterglow of the awesomely deviant sexualness of it all. Now- not so much. I don’t know why either. I miss it. I try to get back to that space but I guess you can never go back. Only move forward and try to capture what is in the here and now. Or maybe I’m just protecting myself.

******************

New job is fine. There are a lot of pros to it, the only con I have is that it’s not as challenging as I thought. I’m hoping that will come later since I’m still fairly new. It doesn’t mean that I’m not satisfied. I am. I just feel like there is more out there to be conquered. I’m not really happy unless I’m conquering something. I’m kind of keeping a low profile which means I’m not really being entirely true to myself but we all know how offensive, intense and obnoxious my basic personality is. And I really need to be able to support myself, which means keeping a job, so if that means holding back a little, then so be it.
I guess these days I’m just trying to find myself again. I want the words that used to come pouring out of me to come back. I want that flow again and I can’t search for it, it just has to come back to me.

I need something to jump start me. I’m just not sure what that is right now.

But I’m alive and well and not struggling so much.
Hopefully soon I’ll be on my comeback tour.
Stay tuned.
EDITED to add: Just checked the Horoscope. Too funny.

Daily Planetary Overview
A New Moon in Gemini today will help you enhance your communication skills and make new contacts. Over the next two weeks, you’ll begin to develop clearer writing and more articulate speaking. Keep an open mind at all times.

Your Horoscope – Today, May 24, 2009
Be yourself today – 100% you, ticia. The world needs more individuality. Revel in your unique qualities and be generous with sharing them with the world. Feel free to adopt a new and unconventional way of doing things – anything. Beware, however, that there may be a strong, grounding force that is trying to tie you down to traditional ways of doing things. Don’t feel pressured to give in to the social norm.