femme fatale /narcissistic drama queen/

It’s always the same pattern that I repeat over and over again. I can’t get out of it. I don’t know how. I see it. I see myself doing it and I can’t stop myself.

When I feel slighted in any way by someone who I hold a lot of respect and admiration for, I turn into the biggest cunt ever. And the issue that appears that I’m pissed off about isn’t really the issue at all. It never is.
Then I bite. It’s a wicked bite and most people can’t handle it so in the end I usually destory whatever I had. Because, you know, it makes me look like the biggest cunt. Ever.

Kind of like my marriage. Or at least my part in the destruction of it. The X had a lot to do with that too. I’m not taking all the blame for it but I am taking responsibility for my part. I guess in the end of that, I ust wanted out because the X wasn’t man enough to transcend who he was.

This time it’s my fault. Mostly. I want to transcend all those things I don’t like about myself. I’m just not sure how to do it. I know I need to do it or else I’ll never move forward and I’ll always be stuck repeating the same patterns over and over again until I get it right. I want to get right. Now.

And I want to write again. I miss it terribly. It’s such a big part of who I am. I think when I stop writing that is when I become The Cunt.

I want me back.

I am so fucking sick of everybody. I swear no one out there is for real. Not like that is new news. Not like I didn’t know that before.

Everyone is always so ready to tell you the truth about yourself, but when you give the truth back, suddenly you’re the bad guy. Not like I care. I just don’t fucking get it. You know, don’t dish the shit out unless you’re strong enough to take it back because not everyone is nice. I’m a bitch. I know I’m a bitch. I admit I’m a bitch. There’s another side to me and sometimes I let people know and see that side. Sometimes. Not very often. Depends on who the person is. But in the end all they still see is the bitch.

So tired of people not taking responsibility for their actions and making stupid decisions. Not seeing what is right in front of their faces. I’m so sick of people saying shit they don’t mean. Not having the guts or the courage to back up anything they say. Being real. Whether it’s good or bad.

I replied to Scorpio#2 and this is what I said:

“you have my number, don’t you? If I didn’t like you I wouldn’t have tried to contact you afterward, to which I got no reply. The ball was in your court…….” Replying to his message to me. It’s not like I was lying. Do you see anything bad about that? Fuck. People are just too damn sensitive. Since I deleted him from IM, I added him back and I was DENIED. So, you know what? I knew he was online and told him, “hey- thanks for playin’” because obviously he did just get what he wanted therefore everything in his previous IM was bullshit. And all the cool conversations we had during the past few months were bullshit.

What? Was I supposed to be a typical girl and be like, “Oh that’s okay. You just used me as a cumdumpster, split and then just ignored me for a month afterwards. Of couse we can pick up where we left off. After all I am a stupid girl and I do want you to like me.” Fuck. That. Noise.

Scorpio #2 is lucky that a whore of my caliber even sucked his cock. He’s also lucky that I wanted to perform for The Boy and in actuality was just my prop. There for my amusement only.

I just don’t get it. I didn’t give him any girl shit just called it like I saw it.

That’s it. I’m fucking done. I don’t have time to waste on these fucking losers anymore. Where is my fucking machine already? *stomps foot* Human interaction is so fucking overrated.

My new and improved attitude: No second chances. You either want me or you don’t. And if you don’t – keep on walking and don’t look back because I won’t be there.

I hate men. I really, really do. They’re fucking stupid and they don’t get it. Not at all.

And the whole expectation of getting their cock sucked is old. Tonight’s date is not even worth mentioning.

Men have no depth. The few that do, don’t know how to use it to its greatest fullest potential. No one gets the whole energy thing and altered states of conciousness. I am convinced, no I know for a fact I will never find anyone that equals my intensity.

No one knows just how to fucking be who they are. It’s all stupid and I’ve moved on because I am beyond that.

As much as I want to connect with another human being, I’m tired of wasting my time. Expending my energy when I could be doing something much more important.
Like getting myself off.

Everything is what it is and everything was what it was. All these experiences do is reinforce and confirm what I already knew to begin with. Somehow, it’s not that I think people will change, but that they have the courage to be true to themselves.

Everyone’s a poser no matter how intelligent they are or what they have. Hence everyone is a whore.

“….I’ve looked right through to see you naked and oblivious
and you don’t see me. But I threw you the obvious……….
….to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel
eyes of a tragedy

Oh well. Apparently nothing. Apparently nothing at all.
You don’t see me.
You don’t see me at all.”

And The Girl, she walks away.
Cut. Scene. Print.