femme fatale /narcissistic drama queen/

It’s always the same pattern that I repeat over and over again. I can’t get out of it. I don’t know how. I see it. I see myself doing it and I can’t stop myself.

When I feel slighted in any way by someone who I hold a lot of respect and admiration for, I turn into the biggest cunt ever. And the issue that appears that I’m pissed off about isn’t really the issue at all. It never is.
Then I bite. It’s a wicked bite and most people can’t handle it so in the end I usually destory whatever I had. Because, you know, it makes me look like the biggest cunt. Ever.

Kind of like my marriage. Or at least my part in the destruction of it. The X had a lot to do with that too. I’m not taking all the blame for it but I am taking responsibility for my part. I guess in the end of that, I ust wanted out because the X wasn’t man enough to transcend who he was.

This time it’s my fault. Mostly. I want to transcend all those things I don’t like about myself. I’m just not sure how to do it. I know I need to do it or else I’ll never move forward and I’ll always be stuck repeating the same patterns over and over again until I get it right. I want to get right. Now.

And I want to write again. I miss it terribly. It’s such a big part of who I am. I think when I stop writing that is when I become The Cunt.

I want me back.

This entry was posted on Saturday, January 9th, 2010 at 9:55 pm and is filed under Psychic Surgery, The Hate, Thinking Out Loud. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.